Once upon a time, a man named John E. Smith wanted to make a transcontinental journey across America by road. John wanted to scour the country for the people from the math problems and see if he could lock them up in his basement get them put in an insane asylum. This was his life goal. He decided to begin doing this by traveling from coast to coast on Interstate 80. Here is a handy map to help you understand:

The red line is Interstate 80. The square red dots are places he suspects might be the states that the people from math problems live. The area filled in with cyan is the places he knows the people from math problems don’t live. The places without a red dot are places he doesn’t suspect. He pays his friend, Nathan Coughsell, to cover some ground at the same time he John traverses I-80. Here is what Nathan’s route will look like:

Nathanial will then fly back from Seattle to his home in Arizona. This route would make sure that either they found the people in the math problems or they were not in the United States. This story is about John, not Nathanial, so we will not cover Nathanial’s route in much detail.

John lives in Teaneck New Jersey. This just so happens to be where I-80 begins. I-80 goes west and ends at San Fransisco. John is going to inquire at the nearby county houses to see if there have been any “strange cases” or “odd purchases” lately.

His first stop was Cleveland. I-80 runs south of Cleveland, but I-90 runs through Cleveland and then rejoins back with I-80, so it was quite convenient to take I-77 north from I-80 for the quick detour to check on one of the large Ohio cities. The governor of Ohio said they had heard of: “A man bought 79 watermelons. He ate 5 and 69/9696 of one. How many did he have left?”. So John E. Smith was able to get him and his whole known family (for they were from the math problems too) thrown into the Ohio Insane Asylum, finally filling it to capacity. When John crossed the Indiana border, he said, “I shouldn’t have expected any less from Ohio.”

His next stop was Toledo, Ohio. He found nothing unusual there.

The next place Mr. Smith stopped was South Bend, Indiana. He inquired of the mayor, and he said that Susan from: “Jane has 12 crayons and Kim has 7 crayons. How many more crayons does Susan have than Kim?” lived not far away. The person who wrote that problem was the real culprit. He asked and the mayor stated that the man who wrote the problem was Susan’s mother, so John had her thrown on a plane to North Korea for her punishment. John took poor, forgotten Susan with him the rest of the trip. The mayor also found a soybean farmer buying extra soybeans when he had run out of space for them. John threw him in the same plane as Susan’s mom.

The next stop John made was the Chicago courthouse. He spoke with the Governor and found that the guy who wrote: “if a man commits 50 murders in one day, how many murders will he and his incompetent friend commit in 69 days?”. John sent Susan to a hotel and then found this man. Suffice to say there was a new name in the Chicago obituary the next morning. John picked Susan up in his car and they continued their trip. They continued stopping at city after city, their stops being in each of the states on the map.

Finally, they came to Cheyenne, Wyoming. He found that the whole population of Wyoming was made up of the people from the math problems. All ten of the people from the math problems growled at Smith. The battle between John E. Smith and the people from the math problems. One man pushed a bread cart at Smith with a fat man with his cheeks full on it. The fat man spat watermelon seeds at Smith at an alarming rate. Smith ducked and ran, saying as he did

“Wow, these people are more powerful than I expected. Then again, I don’t know anyone else who can eat half of 960 watermelons, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised”.

Smith hopped on one of 20 and a half horses, the result of 41 horses split between two men. He rode this onto the cart of the man selling bread at 25 cents a loaf that sold 5 loaves in one day, knocking over the man who ate half of 960 watermelons. The cart fell on Mr. Watermelons and he was squished to death, and the bread man was trampled underfoot of the horse.

Smith said, “Two down, eight to go. Then the whole population of Wyoming (and the people from the math problems) is dead.”

Mr. Half-horse jumped on the leftover half horse and charged towards Smith. Smith struck the horse a blow from his gun. Smith had only had six cartridges before, now he was down to five. The half-horse fell, and Mr. half horse lay stunned on the ground. Smith struck him with his dagger. The other nineteen horses fled over the border to Colorado, where they became mascots for the Denver Broncos. Smith wheeled around to see a man carrying a barrel full of water with a little spigot leaking at a rate of 3/4 of a liter per hour for 10 5/8 days. The man had put $200 in the bank for 19 years at a compound interest rate of 2.75% and then spent all the money on the barrel of water and running for King of Wyoming. (and yes, if you’re wondering, the barrel does count towards the population of Wyoming because WHY NOT). Smith grabbed his axe and cracked the barrel open, spilling water on the man with the interest rate.

“TAKE THAT” yelled Smith, whacking the dull end of the axe against the man’s head. “Five down, five to go,” Smith muttered under his breath.

Jane and Kim from Susan’s math problem faced him, throwing larger-and-sharper-than-normal crayons at him. Smith held up a piece of the water barrel and eight of the nineteen crayons hit it. Smith received his first wound of the battle: A purple crayon to his shin, and a red one to his waist. Smith winced and pulled them out of his wounds, hurling them back at Kim and Jane. They hit their mark: The left eye of each. A car salesman the ran Kim and Jane over with one of his 20 red Ford F150s he needed to get gas for, and charged at Smith. He ran out of gas just in time. Smith fired three shots, killing the man.

“Two more,” quoth Smith.

Johnny (not John E.) was the rich boy who went to the candy shop and bough 1000 candies on Monday. On Tuesday, he at 1/4 of them. Now Johnny has diabetes so he can’t eat his candy. Johnny threw 100 of his candies rapid fire at John E. Smith retaliated by shoving one down Johnny’s throat. Johnny cried out in pain as his blood sugar skyrocketed. Smith let him die while he dealt with the last person: The guy who worked at the general store during the civil war and kept track of his sales. Two shots of Smith’s pistol came quickly. One bullet missed. The second grazed his head, stunning him. Two sharp crayons in the eye and he was dead.

Smith looked around him at his fallen enemies. His wounds throbbed, and he winced. There was nobody else for miles around, and he didn’t have cell service. He had no choice. He pulled out his iPhone SE 2016 (the oldest model that still gets updated) and hit the Emergency SOS button. It went through to the satellites and transmitted the message to the closest hospital. Thirty minutes later, a rescue helicopter landed near Smith. They administered to his wounds, and removed all the crayon wax. They bandaged him and took him back to the hospital where he lay for three days before he could go about like normal again. He phoned Nathanial and told him he could come back; Smith had annihilated the people in the math problems on his own. Smith went to Denver and got a plane to New York. From there he ubered back to his home, and had completed his life’s mission. He raised Susan as his own daughter and lived happily ever after.

THE END

This is a poem about the creator of Minecraft, Notch. He is one of my personal heroes because he created my favorite video game, which also happens to be the best-selling game of all time, and I really respect him for that.

My assignment is to write a poem in the style of Alfred Lord Tennyson, so I will be using blank verse. Blank verse is an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed syllable to create a sort of heartbeat rhythm for the poem. This type of poem does not have to rhyme. Without further ado, let’s get on with the poem.

The great-est game of all time, sell-ing more
Than Grand Theft Au-to Five and Tet-ris, but
None oth-er than the great game Mine-craft could
Dream of a-chiev-ing such great fame, it must
Re-quire a rea-lly smart man to cre-ate
Such a fan-tast-ic game as this one is,
None oth-er than the great Notch could cre-ate
A game near-ly as as-tound-ing as this
But how did Notch create Mine-craft? Let's go back
To when Notch was young, and dwelt in a small
Town in-side Swed-en. Mark-us Perss-on is
His real name. At age eight, he made his first
Com-put-er game, a text ad-ven-ture game.
Notch worked at a few jobs making on-line games.
Notch had be-gun work up-on Ru-by Dung,
And it would be an ear-ly Mine-craft build.
Notch made his Mine-craft team, beg-inn-ing to
Call it Mo-jang. Notch sold Mo-jang for a
Good sum of mon-ey. Mine-craft still exi-sts
To-day, and will ex-ist for a long time.

Macbeth is a Scottish thane who is close kin to King Duncan of Scotland. Duncan has two sons: Malcolm and Donalbain. Macbeth is married, but his wife is always refered to as Lady Macbeth in the play. Macduff is Macbeth’s biggest rival, and he has a wife (Lady Macduff) and a son (no title given other than “Macduff’s son”). Banquo is one of Macbeth’s greatest friends. Banquo has a son named Fleance. Now that we have characters squared away, we can deal with the rest of the play.

Macbeth is riding through a wood with Banquo when he comes across three witches. The three witches tell him that he will become the king in place of Duncan, but also that Banquo’s son would be Macbeth’s successor to the throne. Macbeth hurries back home quickly after this, and tells only his wife, Lady Macbeth. Now, Lady Macbeth is an ambitious woman, but in a bad way. She will do nearly anything for power. She decides that Macbeth should become king now. Macbeth is more gentlemanly, and does not want to force the events that the witches predicted. Lady Macbeth is, however, able to convince Macbeth to attempt to steal the throne from King Duncan. King Duncan often visits the castle of Macbeth, for Macbeth is a trusted officer and general for the king. The next time Duncan comes to stay with the king, Macbeth and Lady Macbeth decide to strike. They wait for midnight, and get up to attempt the murder. Macbeth has changed his mind, and does not want to commit the murder that Lady Macbeth wants him to. He steals into the king’s chambers and looks at the king, and, after some hesitation, commits the awful deed. Guards sleep in the bed with the king to make sure that the king has defense, but Lady Macbeth has intoxicated the guards with wine, so they did not wake to stop Macbeth. The deed was done and Duncan was dead. Now all the people of Scotland were suspicious of Macbeth because he died in Macbeth’s castle. Donalbain fled to Ireland, Malcolm to the English court to raise an army. Because both of Macbeth’s sons were no longer in the country, Macbeth crowned himself King of Scotland, and Lady Macbeth his queen. Macbeth was worried about the prophecy that Banquo’s children would rule, so he murdered Banquo and attempted to murder Fleance, his son, as well. Ultimately, Banquo dies and Fleance escapes. A few times, Banquo’s ghost appears to Macbeth, showing him that Fleance would indeed take control over the throne of Scotland and have children, and his family would rule the kingdom for many centuries to come. Macbeth is miserable because he was afraid of the consequences of his actions, so he goes back to the witches that predicted that he would become king and that Fleance would be king after him. Three spirits appear to himself and the witches in different forms.

The first spirit appears as a severed and armed head (helmet or weapons or limbs I do not know which) and it speaks:

“Beware Macduff! Beware the Thane of Fife!”

The second spirit appears as a child covered in blood, and it says,

“Be bloody, bold, and resolute. Laugh to scorn
The power of man, for none of woman born
Shall harm Macbeth.”

After this Macbeth scoffs a little and says he doesn’t need fear Macduff because Macduff was surely born of women. Little did he know, as a baby, Macduff had to be surgically removed from his dead or dying mother, so technically he had not been born, but extracted.

The third spirit appears as a crowned child holding a tree or branch in one hand. It speaks:

“Be lion-mettled, proud, and take no care who chafes, who frets, or where conspirers are. Macbeth shall never vanquished be until Great Birnam Wood to high Dunsinane Hill shall come against him.”

Macbeth sees these prophesies as predictions of long life, rather than soon death, and is somewhat secured. Macbeth keeps on with his life as king, until the army Malcolm has gathered arrives in Scotland. They have taken branches from trees to hold them over themselves to hide their number, so the third prophesy is fulfilled. Macduff is with the English army. Macbeth goes to fight with his forces, and ends up in a standoff with Macduff. Macbeth reveals the second prophecy to Macduff, and Macduff reveals the fact that he was not born. Macbeth is slain by Macduff and Malcolm becomes the new ruler of Scotland, fulfilling the first and final prophecy.

I think Macbeth made two really bad decisions during the play and one before the play. I’m going to go in chronological order:

1. Macbeth should never have married Lady Macbeth. She is a foul, treacherous woman. Had Macbeth never married her, Macbeth would probably not have even thought of murdering his kind king.
2. Macbeth should not have murdered the king. His wife would probably try to, but he could prevent her from doing it as well.
3. Macbeth should have heeded the warning of the first spirit (the second time he met with the witches) when it said to beware of Macduff. The other two spirits deterred him from this. He should have hidden from Macduff and made sure he would never harm him.

A note for readers/teacher: this is based mostly off of the prose version from Tales From Shakespeare by Charles and Mary Lamb. I forgot most of the details of the original play because it has been a long time since I read it, so I re-read the prose version so I could understand the play better to make this book report even possible.

Here is a quick character introduction to make things easier on myself and on you the reader:

Petruchio is a man from Padua. He is looking for a wife.

Katherine is a “shrew” (a “nagging, ill-tempered woman”) who lives in Padua with her father Baptista and her sister Bianca. She is very ill-tempered, but is also “wealthy and handsome”.

Bianca is Katherine’s younger sister. She is beautiful and mild-tempered, so men come to woo her first. Baptista is reluctant to let her get married before Katherine is.

Baptista is Bianca and Katherine’s father.

Lucentio is the man Bianca marries

Hortensio is another man who gets married at the same time as Lucentio. We do not get his wife’s name (in the prose version at least).

Petruchio wants to find a woman to marry. He hears of how Katherine is a shrew and decides to attempt to tame her. He travels to Baptista’s dwelling place to attempt to woo Katherine. Baptista, after a little bit of doubt, heartily consents to Petruchio’s wooing Katherine as Baptista wants Katherine to wed. Petruchio goes to Katherine and compliments her in every way he can think of.

In Petruchio’s own words, “I’ll … woo her with some spirit when she comes.
Say that she rail; why, then I’ll tell her plain
She sings as sweetly as a nightingale.
Say that she frown; I’ll say she looks as clear
As morning roses newly wash’d with dew.
Say she be mute, and will not speak a word;
Then I’ll commend her volubility,
And say she uttereth piercing eloquence.
If she do bid me pack, I’ll give her thanks,
As though she bid me stay by her a week;
If she deny to wed, I’ll crave the day
When I shall ask the banns, and when be married.”

to sum up that quote, Petruchio basically contradicts every bad thing Katherine says. The conversation ends with Baptista arriving. Petruchio lies and says that Katherine agreed to marry him, and, while Katherine denies it, Baptista agrees to let Petruchio and Katherine marry on the following Sunday.

The next Sunday comes, and it is a mad wedding. Petruchio shows up in ragged clothes and swears not to change them, they go up to the priest and are married quickly, but Petruchio strikes down the priest. Baptista has provided a large feast, but Petruchio takes Katherine straight to his country home to begin to “tame” Katherine. Upon arrival, Petruchio feigns to get Katherine everything she wants, like a gown, cap, food, and bed, but in reality he is finding fault with everything and throwing it away. This continues until Katherine obeys him and agrees with everything he says. Then, they travel back to Baptista’s abode, where Bianca and Luecentio are getting married, as well as Hortensio and his bride. Petruchio, Luecentio, and Hortensio make a wager that their wives will come when they call for them. Katherine is the only one of the three that comes, winning the wager for Petruchio. That’s pretty much everything there is to tell.